


marble caskets and silver urns

by dia (efharisto)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Marijuana, Minor Character Death, Slow Burn, fuckin uhhhhh (spins big funny wheel) funeral director au, funeral homes, multi-chaptered
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:46:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27147550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/efharisto/pseuds/dia
Summary: Good Afternoon,I am writing regarding the recent passing of my brother, Itachi Uchiha. Could I possibly get a list of funeral costs? I am looking to proceed as quickly as possible.Thank you,Sasuke Uchiha-With his brother dead and (not yet) buried, Sasuke picks the first funeral home he finds off the internet to put Itachi in a deep-and-narrow dirt hole as soon as possible. Naruto is a funeral director who assists Sasuke through the process of death care, while granting him endless insight on how to live.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 33
Kudos: 63





	1. formaldehyde

**Author's Note:**

> its 6:30 am and im throwing up bc i drank nyquil and 2 cups of coffee at 2 am so heres this  
> idk where im going with this but ideas are stewing in my baby brain

**Sasuke Uchiha** <uchiha.sasuke@gmail.com>

to **Rasengan Funeral Home**

**-**

**Subject:** Funeral Planning

**-**

Good Afternoon,

I am writing regarding the recent passing of my brother, Itachi Uchiha. Could I possibly get a list of funeral costs? I am looking to proceed as quickly as possible.

Thank you,

Sasuke Uchiha

___

**Rasengan Funeral Home** <rasenganfh@att.net>

to **Sasuke Uchiha**

**-**

**Subject:** RE: Funeral Planning

**-**

Mr Uchiha,

Thank you for considering our home. We are terribly sorry for the loss of your brother. In these painful times, we hope to offer you both respite and closure as you lay him to rest. For your comfort and convenience, you may consult with us in-home or via phone. We offer both traditional full services and immediate burials or cremations. Should you need financial assistance, our home offers inexpensive options in order to ease your burden in this already trying time.

Our funeral directors will readily assist you with casket selection and pricing; as well as selecting a cemetery, grave plot, and headstone should it suit your needs. We can also put you in contact with various religious services if you so please. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask.

Our condolences,

Rasengan Funeral Home

_Naruto Uzumaki_

_Assistant Director of Funeral Services_

___

**Sasuke Uchiha** <uchiha.sasuke@gmail.com>

to **Rasengan Funeral Home**

**-**

**Subject:** RE: RE: Funeral Planning

**-**

Thank you. He won’t be having a wake. Could I come in this Friday around noon to hash out the prices?

Sasuke Uchiha

___

**Rasengan Funeral Home** <rasenganfh@att.net>

to **Sasuke Uchiha**

**-**

**Subject:** RE: RE: RE: Funeral Planning

**-**

Mr Uchiha,

I am available at one thirty this Friday. If this is inconvenient or undoable for you, please let me know. We will meet entirely at your convenience and can always reschedule if need be.

Our base prices are listed in the attached document. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact us further.

We will send one of our funeral directors to collect him today. Please let us know where he is located.

Thank you, 

Rasengan Funeral Home

_Naruto Uzumaki_

_Assistant Director of Funeral Services_

**ATTACHMENT:** rasengan_fh_bprices.pdf 

___

White funeral flowers did little to mask the scent of formaldehyde and aged plaster. 

Sasuke perched on the edge of an armchair, turning his nose up at the ancient floral upholstery. Antiques had always repulsed him- freaked him out, even. They made his skin feel filthy dirty. He had no idea why.

He absently read a sign stationed outside a set of cream-white doors: _‘Calling Hours for Hiruzen Sarutobi. Friday, August 24th - 2 PM.’_ He quickly lost interest, thumbing through his phone. Sakura texted him; an invitation for lunch, it seemed. He had yet to tell her the news. He was waiting to see her in person when he told her- he could only _imagine_ the look that would cross her face when she learned Itachi was gone. 

The funeral home was freezing cold in the burning August heat- for good reason, he was sure.

“Mr Uchiha?”

He stood. The man waiting by the reception desk was considerably young and had an appearance that belied what one would expect a mortician to look like (what _should_ a mortician look like? Pallid and unsettling? Sasuke did not know). He wondered if the man bleached his hair or if the sun had lightened it- it was far too blonde to naturally occur on an adult’s head. He passively noted that his eyes, a mid-blue, gleamed with genuine sympathy. It was unneeded and, quite frankly, unwanted.

“Nice to meet you, Mr Uchiha.” The blonde extended a hand, and Sasuke shook it gingerly. “My name is Naruto. I’ll be assisting you through your brother’s funeral processions. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”

Sasuke withdrew his hand from the funeral director’s grip, waving it to dispel the well-rehearsed condolence. “Trust me- _don’t_ be sorry. I’m only here because I’m obligated to be.” Probably not the most socially appropriate response, but he couldn’t pretend to be upset.

The empathetic frown melted to a look of mild surprise, which settled into something between a grimace and a grin. He shed the front of a respectable professional like it was a second skin. “Ah. He was a cunt, then?”

The unprofessionalism was more than shocking, and Sasuke wore it on his face. _I can’t believe he said that._ He appreciated the candid words, however, and that overrode his disbelief. He liked the guy already. “Precisely- a cunt beyond words, in fact. I was originally planning to leave the bastard’s body unclaimed and let the state dump him god-knows-where.”

“What’s stopping you?” Naruto’s words came out wholly plain now, as if he were addressing a friend rather than a client.

He loved this man’s boldness. Sasuke shrugged. “He was a motherfucker, but he was smart as a whip and cunning as all hell. I’m glad he’s rotting as we speak, but I respect him more than I resent him.”

It was a fairly accurate summary. Sasuke had spent every day of the last twenty-six years praying to every notable deity for Uchiha Itachi’s slow, painful, torturous death. If life were fair, he would’ve been the one behind the wheel of the vehicle that ultimately led to his demise.

Sasuke would have cheered when he saw the piece of shit’s burnt-orange Land Rover wrinkled like a sheet of paper, if not for the shock of knowing his big brother was finally gone. Itachi had been side-swept by a Mack truck, and his skull shattered like a champagne glass when it hit the car door at sixty-five miles an hour. He was dead on impact. Sasuke wished the bastard had suffered.

Naruto shrugged, grinning widely. “Let’s throw the fucker in a box and be done with it, then.”

He smiled back, feeling almost lucid at the absurdity of the situation. “I’m surprised you’re willing to speak about the dead like that.” 

Naruto waved both hands dismissively, rolling his eyes with no bite. “Please. Just because someone’s dead doesn’t mean the shitty things they did when they were alive disappears. In my opinion, it’s more disrespectful to coddle the dead. If he was as smart as you claim, I’m sure he’d agree with me.”

Sasuke’s lips quirked. Naruto Uzumaki was a fascinating man. “He would. What’s the cheapest casket you have?”

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on [tumblr](https://cybersasuke.tumblr.com/) and get to know me


	2. glutaraldehyde

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto rapped his knuckles against a pink casket, clicking his tongue in thought. “You said he’s not having a funeral, right? What about calling hours?”
> 
> Sasuke shrugged. “Probably will. Apparently, his coworkers really liked him and want to see him off.”
> 
> “Hmm. He was one of those guys, then?”
> 
> Sasuke scratched the junction of his neck and jaw, frowning. “One of ‘those guys’?”
> 
> “Y’know,” began the blonde with an eye-roll, “One of those dudes that everyone loves in public, but is a holy fucking terror when he’s at home with his family.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was slutty itachi for halloween this year and i got so many compliments it was good to know i was among family (naruto fans)

Sasuke had never known what to make of Itachi.

This was due in-part to the fact that he was a child during the course of their time together, though it stemmed beyond that. Itachi had always been rather enigmatic and elusive. Sasuke’s memory of his older brother was spotty (largely by choice- he preferred the fucker hadn’t stained his mind at all), defined by a few characteristics here and there: graceful fingers and frosty palms, a taste for high-neck collars, a bedroom packed with lexicons and nonfiction, his voice like clove-spiced milk, shadowy green veins plaiting the wells under his eyes. Itachi’s being was something that Sasuke could not quite define.

In college, he had taken a European art history class to fill his mandatory humanities credit. They had studied Bernini’s _Ecstasy of Saint Teresa,_ a Baroque-period sculpture which depicts Teresa of Ávila being touched by an angel. The scene is framed by thin golden bars, emulating rays of sun beating upon the two. In the hand of the angel is an arrow, its inevitable destination between the ribs of the saint.

The sculpture portrays an alleged event in Teresa’s life, as she so described: _“Beside me appeared an angel in bodily form.... He was not tall and very beautiful; and his face was so aflame that he appeared to be one of the highest rank of angels, who seem to be all on fire...”_

_“The sweetness caused by this intense pain is so extreme that one cannot possibly wish it to cease, nor is one's soul content with anything but God. This is not a physical but a spiritual pain, though the body has some share in it—even a considerable share.”_

He had developed a fixation with the artwork since. It displayed such agony and rhapsody; a meeting between body and incomprehensible spirit, all bathed in sun forged of steel. In some photos of the sculpture, when the lights of the Cornaro chapel were dimmed, the sculpted sunbeams appeared a grey-bronze; the angel’s marble face dusted with shadow. The two figures were tucked behind an archway trimmed with slate marble atop a cloud of chiseled stone.

To Sasuke, this scene was a physical representation of everything he could not understand. It was an untouchable spirit and a secret he was not privy to. It was a repute he would never come to know or have.

Sometimes, when he tried to picture the face of his late brother, he could only see the statue.

He shouldn’t wax poetic. It was only a chunk of marble, after all; and Itachi was only a bloated corpse.

__

“Oak caskets are pretty cheap.” Naruto lifted a dark brown lid, revealing a bed of satin sheets. “You could rent one if you were looking to cremate him.”

Sasuke hummed, running a finger over the interior of the casket. It was decidedly not made of satin, but a much stiffer fabric. “Maybe. I haven’t decided yet.”

“No rush.” Naruto rapped his knuckles against a pink casket, clicking his tongue in thought. “You said he’s not having a funeral, right? What about calling hours?”

Sasuke shrugged. “Probably will. Apparently, his coworkers really liked him and want to see him off.”

“Hmm. He was one of those guys, then?”

Sasuke scratched the junction of his neck and jaw, frowning. “One of ‘those guys’?”

“Y’know,” began the blonde with an eye-roll, “One of those dudes that everyone loves in public, but is a holy fucking terror when he’s at home with his family.”

He pursed his lips. “Not really. He didn’t have much of a relationship with our parents, honestly. He never told us much of anything.” Sasuke shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t talked to him since I was nine.” 

Naruto whistled. “That long, huh? Maybe he came out of his shell since then.” Naruto frowned suddenly. “Shit, how are your parents taking this? Do they not want any part in the funeral processions?”

Sasuke once again found himself admiring Naruto’s straightforwardness. “They died the same year the two of us… stopped talking.” Sasuke thumbed the rubber gasket of a hickory display piece. “I’ll do this one- rental, please.”

“I’m so sorry.” Naruto didn’t miss a beat, and he didn’t drag out the condolence. If he was curious about the obvious link between the death of his parents and the falling out between him and Itachi, he didn’t verbalize it. Sasuke appreciated it. “Sure thing. I can ring you up here or bill you. You can pay in installments, if you want.”

“Bill me.”

“Gotcha.” Naruto grasped the tag of the casket, taking note of its serial number. “I can show you some urns next, if you’d like.”

Sasuke massaged his right brow, suddenly feeling very tired. This week was catching up to him. “Not today.”

“No problem.” Naruto trailed off there, but was looking at him rather intently.

Sasuke’s hand paused on his sore temple. “Yes?”

The corners of the mortician’s lips quirked. “Nothin’. Just thinking about how shitty and run-down you look. Those dark circles could absorb UV light. You been sleeping lately?”

“Nope.” Sasuke withheld a hysterical chuckle. “Should you be speaking to a client you met thirty minutes ago like this?”

“Nope,” parroted Naruto, giving in to the shit-eating grin that had been threatening to overtake his mouth. “Never have, to be honest- this is a first. Usually, I have to pretend to be some stuffy undertaker that’s always sad. I like you, though. I decided that we’re friends the second you opened your mouth. I don’t wanna disrespect you by being ingenuine.”

“I appreciate it.” He really did. “I always figured this was a profession for sad people, though. What made you pick it?”

“I’m a ball of fuckin’ sunshine, believe it.” The funeral director proceeded to shrug. “Dunno. Someone has to do this job, I guess; and I’ve got a big heart. I figure that if I can help people through the hardest times of their lives, I can leave the world a little better than I found it.”

Sasuke considered these words. Factoring in the man’s bright appearance and disposition, he truly didn’t seem to match his profession. He seemed like he would be better suited as an event planner or a performer, something along those lines. He was startlingly candid and devastatingly likeable. Sasuke had a passing thought that, were stereotypes accurate, _he_ would be the mortician and Naruto would be the doctor.

Sasuke was an asshole. He was dismissive and cagey with little interest in others outside of his small circle of friends. He did, however, know how to conduct himself- he was an orthopedic surgeon who always addressed his patients in a calm, kind, and clinical manner. He handled his emotions well and was certain he could thrive in Naruto’s profession. It was a silly observation to make, but his black hair and pale skin seemed to fit the bill of a mortician better than Naruto’s light blonde and olive.

“That’s admirable, Naruto,” Sasuke eventually praised. “This job… fits you. “

Naruto’s head ducked slightly under Sasuke’s words. “Thank you, really.” He gasped lightly, as if remembering something. “Oh! Before I let you go- if you end up having calling hours, did you want to do open or closed casket?” 

“Open casket is an option?” Sasuke asked, genuinely surprised. “I thought his head would’ve been too caved in.”

“Oh, it _was,”_ assured Naruto. “Brain exposed and everything. He was a mess. I’m a damn good restorationist, though- took me almost four hours, but I rebuilt his skull. His eyes are a little puffy, but that’s unavoidable.” His words halted, and he smacked himself on the side of the head. “Jesus Christ, I am so sorry. I’m probably traumatizing you.”

“Considering that I’m going to do a double knee replacement in-” Sasuke glanced at his watch- “nineteen hours, I promise you you’re not. Cutting up bone is kind of my job.”

Naruto’s eyes widened comically. “You’re a surgeon?! Holy shit, that’s impressive!”

Sasuke shook his head, not letting his face show how the praise embarrassed him. “Why are you so impressed? You’re basically a surgeon too.”

Naruto scoffed. “Not even. When I’m getting a body ready, I rip out their organs like a chimp on Xanax and nobody’s the wiser. You operate on _actual living people_. One wrong move and _boom!_ Grandma never walks again.”

Sasuke barked out a laugh despite himself and Naruto lit up at the uncharacteristic burst of emotion. “Give me your phone so I can put in my cell number. You’re interesting, Sasuke- get ready for two AM texts about random bullshit. I wanna pick your brain.”

He handed it over immediately. “I look forward to it. Don’t keep me waiting.”

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was gonna be a mortician but then i changed my mind and am gonna be a doctor now but i am still very interested in death and dying so be ready for death politics in the upcoming chapters lmao
> 
> follow me on [tumblr](https://cybersasuke.tumblr.com/) and get to know me


	3. anti-edemic chemical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You didn’t answer my first question. How are you doing?”
> 
> Sasuke pondered this question as he ashed the blunt into an empty Modelo Especial bottle. He honestly didn’t know the answer to that question. For all the times he wished for the demise of his older brother, now that it had actually happened; he felt nothing that he could define. He almost couldn’t believe it, as if the reality of the situation hadn’t hit him yet. There was no joy, nor was there shock. Simply… Nothing. He had scheduled his oniisan’s calling hours as if it were a routine cleaning at the dentist’s. 

“What about this one?”

Sasuke looked up from Sakura’s pillow, which his face had been buried in. He took a moment to evaluate the lilac halter top she was wearing. He could remember the last time she had worn it. It was about sixteen years ago at a frat party. His memory was fucking pristine. “Love it,” he eventually decided. “Put on another bra, though- that one’s too dark.”

“Shit.” Sakura tugged off the top and unclipped her bra, tossing it in the general direction of her hamper. Sasuke wrinkled his nose- it was overflowing, dirty clothes spilling all over the carpet. “This one makes my boobs look so good, though. I’ll just pick another shirt.”

“Do your damn laundry. You’re a fucking pig.” She ignored him. “Your boobs look good, anyway- keep the shirt. Itachi’s dead.”

Sakura’s mouth fell open. She stood in the middle of her room, half naked among a sea of unwashed clothes; gawking at Sasuke as if he had seven noses. 

“Close your mouth before you catch a fly.”

Her jaw snapped shut. _“What?!”_ She moved with vigor, grabbing the first t-shirt she could find off a pile of unfolded laundry and tugging it over her head. It was Sasuke’s _Dragon Ball Z_ shirt- the one he had been looking for since April. “Okay, fuck the club. We’re staying in tonight. How?- _When?!”_

“I’m giving you one more week with my Goku shirt, then you have to give it back.” He watched her switch her skirt for sweatpants, which were also his. She had stolen them when they were in med school, and Sasuke had given up ownership without a fight. She loved those damn pants. The threads of the pockets were unraveling from heavy use. “Five days ago. He got hit by a semi. His head popped like a balloon.”

She took a running start at the bed, the mattress bouncing as she fell next to him. _“Ha!_ I can’t believe it. Good fucking riddance. Too bad he didn’t get locked in a hot car or something. He deserved worse.” 

“Right? I brought weed.”

She immediately got on her knees to push the window above her bed open. Sasuke plucked a blunt out of its luxury packaging. He had repaired the torn ACL of a college football player when he was a junior doctor and had gotten along decently well with the guy. It was due to Sasuke’s incredible surgical prowess that Juugo was able to go on to play for the Pittsburgh Steelers. The man sold top shelf bud as a side hustle when he was in college and often gifted Sasuke with free weed as a thank you for saving his football career. When he went pro, he partnered with dispensaries frequented by celebrities and sent Sasuke artisanal weed every month. The perks of being both a coveted medical professional and an extremely likeable man. “ _God_ _bless this kid,”_ Sakura had said when Juugo had become Sasuke’s plug- they had greened out that night. _Never again._ He exhaled the first hit with a sigh, truly relaxing for the first time this week. For all the shit he gave Sakura about her filthy bedroom, it was a place of solace for him. 

The two of them had been best friends since their sophomore year of high school. Sasuke had been one of those twinks who wore checkered belts and fingerless gloves, and Sakura was the co-captain of the cheerleading squad. They were quite the iconic duo at their school and were never seen without each other. Throughout college they rented a small house together. Even now, in their mid-thirties, they had made sure to practice medicine in the same hospital and live in the same neighborhood. The walking distance was convenient when Sasuke needed to decompress after a long day of replacing old people’s hips.

“Gimme.” Sakura took the Backwoods. “How are you holding up? What’s gonna happen to his body?”

“I just got done renting his casket this afternoon.”

Sakura frowned. Her eyes were already bloodshot, standing out against the pale green of her irises. “You’re doing the funeral planning? Why? You don’t owe him anything.”

“It’s not like anyone else is gonna do it.” He took the blunt back, ghosting a hit and letting it linger in his lungs until it burned. “He didn’t have a wife or anything.”

This wasn’t entirely accurate. Itachi _did_ have a wife, although very briefly- Sasuke only knew this because he had received a wedding invitation in the mail, which he had promptly torn to bits. A quick glance at the county crime dockets told Sasuke that Itachi had filed for divorce in February of 2011, a mere six months after they married. He could only assume that the man had gotten bored.

“You didn’t answer my first question. How are you doing?”

Sasuke pondered this question as he ashed the blunt into an empty Modelo Especial bottle. He honestly didn’t know the answer to that question. For all the times he wished for the demise of his older brother, now that it had actually happened; he felt nothing that he could define. He almost couldn’t believe it, as if the reality of the situation hadn’t hit him yet. There was no joy, nor was there shock. Simply… Nothing. He had scheduled his oniisan’s calling hours as if it were a routine cleaning at the dentist’s. 

“I don’t know,” he eventually responded. He shuffled closer to Sakura and pulled her to his body, wrapping his arms around her in a vice grip. She returned the embrace and buried the crown of her head into the crook of his neck. “I just can’t believe he’s gone.” Sakura tugged on his earlobe before petting his hair.

He laid with his best friend, holding her to his chest as they passed the blunt back and forth. When it smoldered to a roach, he lit the second one. They clung to each other until they fell asleep, succumbing to the drowsy high of the indica.

__

_“Hello?”_

“Naruto, hey. What are you up to?”

_“Right now?”_ Sasuke heard the sound of metal clanking. _“Putting lipstick on a dead old man. Later? Who knows. The possibilities of life are boundless. If I had to guess, I’ll probably be sitting on my ass in my Spongebob halloween pajamas and watching_ Intervention _.”_

Sasuke chuckled. “Halloween pajamas in August? Not the most seasonally appropriate.”

_“I love those damn pajamas. I wear them every month of the year. They transcend time.”_

“I’m sure.” Sasuke switched the call to speaker and set his phone on the table. “Not that I want to get between you and _Intervention,_ but I was wondering- would you have any interest in grabbing a drink tonight?”

“Sure! I have a couple cremations to do, but I should be free by six. Where do you wanna go? Should I meet you there?”

“Have you heard of the Mangekyou Bar and Grille? The one on Main Street?”

“Yeah! It’s ten minutes south of my apartment, actually. Their fried pickles are absolutely fucking _fantastic.”_

Sasuke hadn’t tried their fried pickles yet. “I can pick you up on my way, if you want. I’m wrapping up some work, but I should be done soon. Is nine okay with you?”

“Sure thing.” Sasuke heard rustling from Naruto’s line. “I just gotta run home and wash the formaldehyde off. I’ll text you my address.”

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are vastly appreciated and let me know that people are engaging with my writing! please let me know what you think <3
> 
> cybersasuke.tumblr.com


	4. mortuary wax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He really, really enjoyed the man’s company. He wanted to impress Naruto as much as Naruto impressed him. Knew he could, in fact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my dick fell off

Sasuke found himself uncharacteristically nervous, a mild anxiety plucking at the inside of his stomach.

In an odd way, Naruto almost _intimidated_ him. Admitting this to himself made him burn with embarrassment. It was a feeling he had not felt since childhood, before he realized there was no reason to be nervous about speaking to people. Just forty minutes of talking, a few dozen texts, and a short phone call later; Naruto had proven himself to be the most interesting person that Sasuke had ever met. In spite of their starkly different personalities, Naruto’s brazen forwardness perfectly complemented Sasuke’s tendency to silently scrutinize. Naruto often seemed to say what Sasuke was thinking, and Sasuke could tell his commentary perfectly elaborated on Naruto’s initial point. Naruto challenged him; spurred him on where he would have kept the words to a minimum had it been anyone else but Sakura.

He really, _really_ enjoyed the man’s company. He wanted to impress Naruto as much as Naruto impressed him. Knew he could, in fact.

He did not know what clothing would suit his intentions. His wardrobe was fantastic and expensive as fuck, but he couldn’t seem to piece an outfit together. Sasuke was a perfectionist by nature, and his incredible eye for detail went beyond the realm of medicine- he had an extremely refined sense of style.

He wondered what Naruto would wear. Considering he had only seen the man in his work clothes, a nondescript black suit, he had no idea. Sasuke could see him pulling off any style flawlessly, whether it be a hoodie with Nikes or a handsome blazer. Sasuke himself tended to gravitate towards a clean, professional aesthetic: designer crewnecks, Henleys beneath a Burberry pea coat, tailored jeans- things in that sphere.

His eventual choice was a lightweight burgundy sweater alongside a pair of dark blue denim jeans. Forgoing his contacts, Sasuke topped off the look with his glasses. The large circular frames were made of a deep umber wood; perfectly complementing the cool tones of his hair, skin, and eyes. He pushed his hair back, layering the thick locks deliberately and tucking some behind his right ear.

When he and Itachi were boys, they were never allowed out of the house unless they were dressed as well as they could be. He could hear his mother’s voice: _It never hurts to put a little effort into how you look. Dressing nicely shows people that you care about yourself. You’ll regret it if you don’t look good while you’re young!_

This is one of the few lessons from their mother that Itachi had actually internalized. At only thirteen, Itachi was able to dress himself with the sophisticated eye of an adult. Their mother would coo at the boy, gushing over how ‘cute he looked in his little grown-up outfits’. Itachi would scoff- considering that his mental age was around twenty at the time, he found the comments horribly belittling. Sasuke could not say the same for himself- when he reached thirteen, his wardrobe was a mix of skulls and Marylin Manson t-shirts. An obnoxious goth brat versus a child prodigy. He shuddered at the thought. Always so marginally behind his older brother…

__

“Door’s open!”

Sasuke let himself in. He was immediately floored at the state of Naruto’s small living room. The coffee table was absolutely saturated in smudges of paint, small tubes of acrylic creating a colorful minefield on the carpet. There was a canvas propped against a stack of books, though Sasuke could not see whatever Naruto was painting from his spot in the entryway.

“So… You’re an artist?” Asked Sasuke as a greeting.

“No, sir!” Naruto’s voice came from behind a wall. “Just felt like painting. It turns out I’m absolute dogshit at it! I destroyed my table in under two hours, can you believe it?”

The surgeon walked to the other side of the stack of books, evaluating Naruto’s claim. He found a horrendous depiction of a mountain landscape, barely visible under frustrated strikes of black paint. In addition to the angry scribbles, Naruto had chosen to add a bright red ‘FUCK FUCK FUCK’ across the length of the canvas. 

“Yep,” came Sasuke’s final verdict. “Absolute dogshit.”

“Bob Ross made it look so easy in the video!” A door swung open, and out stepped Naruto. “I almost lost my mind trying to paint those damn oak trees! I’d sue him if he weren’t already dead.”

Sasuke hummed, no longer invested in discussing the mortician’s art career- _damn,_ could Naruto dress well.

A lightweight orange parka, perhaps a size too big, billowed to the middle of his calves. It was unbuttoned, and a cropped black turtleneck was beneath it. When the man moved, Sasuke could see it was a sleeveless halter. The hem stopped just below his navel, exposing half of an elaborate tattoo. Coupled with black cargo pants and chunky Filas, Naruto looked like he just stepped off the streets of upstate Manhattan rather than a funeral home in the middle of Pennsylvania.

Naruto’s voice pulled him from his thoughts. _“Damn,_ you look good!”

“That’s my line. The eyeliner is a very nice touch.”

“Right?” Naruto lifted a hand to his eye, the top lids subtly swept with dark brown kohl. “I would wear it every day, before I got my job at Rasengan. I used to wait tables in college, and it always seemed like customers had something to say about it. _God,_ the amount of times a week that old white ladies would drill me about it-“ Naruto put on a falsetto, imitating a woman- “ _‘Are you goth?’ ‘Oh, is that some kind of rebellion against gender roles? You shouldn’t be making political statements at work, you know!’”_ Naruto waved his arms in distaste. “God! So entitled. Why are you questioning the life story of a kid making three dollars an hour to hand you food? I’ll give you a _reason,_ Linda- eyeliner makes these baby blues sparkle, goddamn it!”

Sasuke only watched the man in front of him, paralyzed. _This guy is a fucking riot. I want him._

“You far-sighted or near-sighted?” Naruto suddenly asked.

The question didn’t register, seeing as Sasuke was currently being bowled over by just how strongly he was attracted to Naruto. “Huh?”

The man gestured toward his eyes. “Glasses. Are you far-sighted?”

“Near-sighted,” answered Sasuke, remembering he had his glasses on. “Thank god I can see up close- doing surgery would be fucking miserable otherwise.”

“I like them. You look very handsome,” complimented Naruto, his tone soft and light.

Although he was weak at the knees from the simple praise, Sasuke still met Naruto’s gaze head-on. “Thank you, Naruto- you’re a beautiful man. You look great tonight.”

Naruto absolutely beamed. He absently pulled his cargo pants higher, and they settled just below the bend of his narrow waist. The fabric swallowed up the base of his tattoo.

“Does your tattoo have any significance?” Asked Sasuke before he could stop himself.

“Hm?” Naruto blinked. “Oh! The one on my stomach?” He tugged both his shirt and pants out of the way so Sasuke could see the whole piece. “Not really, to be honest. When I was in mortuary school, there was this night where me and my friend took acid and drank Jack til five AM. He ended up painting this on my stomach and I really liked how it looked. _Damn,_ that was a fun night.” 

“Sounds like it was.” The design, though simple, was gorgeous; a spiral framed by symbols he could not place. “Your friend is talented.”

Naruto traced the border of the ink. “I know. Gaara’s a great guy. He ended up transferring from the mortuary program to studio arts. He actually made a pretty big name for himself.”

Sasuke’s brows climbed to his hairline. “You wouldn’t happen to be referring to Gaara Sabaku, would you?”

Naruto gasped. “Yeah! How do you know Gaara?!”

“I met him at a fundraising banquet when I lived in Arizona. He was auctioning off some of his paintings, and I bought a few.” Sasuke curled his hands into fists, consumed by both the memory of that night spent hoovering Gaara’s cock and the ludicrousness of the coincidence. “We ended up grabbing a drink afterwards.” He cleared his throat awkwardly, unintentionally.

Naruto reacted immediately. _“Ha!”_ The blonde honked, rapidly clapping his hands. He looked fucking _overjoyed_. “You fucked him!” He raised a fist triumphantly to the ceiling. _“Nice,_ Gaara!”

Sasuke slapped his palm onto his eye so fast he was sure it would bruise. He was humiliated. 

_Jesus fucking Christ, he has no filter._

_He’s perfect._

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i spend a lot of time and effort writing! it really means a lot when i get feedback. it's nice to know the words i work so hard on are being enjoyed <3


	5. arthroplasty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto would never meet him. He was a name, a coroner’s report, a short exchange of emails, a reference photo, a body, and a funeral; as far as Naruto was concerned. The man’s being would never be known to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello reddit

Sasuke was freshly fourteen when he received the first letter from Itachi. He had lost the feeling in his hands and feet when he read the return address.

The woman who had fostered him throughout the first half of his freshman year was decently nice. He could not remember her features, but he recalled her archaic basil-green sofas and the buttery scent of her kitchen. He had shared an attic room with a boy a bit older than him, who he believed was named Shino; but he was not sure. Faces and names were the only things that ever escaped his steel-trap mind.

He did, however, remember the circumstances leading up to the letter. He and Sakura had just returned from his first high school party, and Sasuke had chugged four tall Bud Lights. They tiptoed up to the attic, where Shino was invested in an episode of _M*A*S*H._ The TV was almost too quiet to hear.

“Hey, Shino,” greeted Sakura, dumping Sasuke onto his bed.

“Hey.” He turned up _M*A*S*H_ a notch. The guy didn’t give a shit. “You got a letter.”

Sakura beat him to it, plucking it off of Sasuke’s pillow and handing it to him. He snatched it. “Thanks.”

The return address was printed in red rollerball ink. Itachi Uchiha, somewhere in New York. Sasuke sprayed the musty rug with beer and Hamburger Helper.

Since then, Sasuke received a letter once every two weeks or so. By his adulthood, he accumulated hundreds. No matter where his life took him, Itachi always somehow found him. He was yet to open a single one. The majority of them were kept in a large cardboard box. When the box filled, he began storing them in a reusable grocery bag.

He had no intention of ever opening them. Even so, he kept them carefully filed; bound by rubber bands. Each was addressed in red ink.

—

_august nineteenth, days before sasuke and naruto met_

Naruto turned the air conditioning up to its max setting. The air came out hot. He groaned, fanning his face with a flat palm. It only accelerated the path of the suffocating heat. Baking a black First Call Vehicle on an asphalt parking lot in the August sun did little to keep him cool. He could only pray the AC would kick in soon. He began the forty five minute drive to the morgue in Philadelphia, tuning out to the sound of his playlist. He made this drive so often that he could get there with his eyes closed.

Nicki Minaj’s _Barbie Tingz_ came on shuffle. _Fuck yes._ Naruto turned up the music as he turned along the sharp curve that led out of Konoha. He mumbled along to the song while mentally cataloguing the information he received from the morgue: _Itachi Uchiha. Thirty-eight years old. Death by blunt force trauma due to vehicle accident. Left hand crushed by car wreckage. Severe mutilation to the left side of the head._ He was in for a lot of work. 

Naruto frowned as he hit another red light. Driving through the city fucking sucked. Konoha was less than an hour away from Philadelphia, but the two were nothing alike. The town was famous for its monstrous oak trees and bustling small business. Naruto much preferred Konoha’s greenery to this bullshit traffic.

He made it back to the funeral home by three PM. He set the body on the embalming table and uncovered it. Naruto whistled at the damage. Mr Uchiha had sent over a photo of his brother per Naruto’s instruction, which made it easier for him to perfectly restore any damage done to the corpse’s face.

Itachi had been a gorgeous man. Absolutely breathtaking. _Had_ been.

Naruto set off to work. Starting from the scalp, he pulled the face off of the skull and removed bone fragments. He painstakingly rebuilt shattered cheekbones with clay and reset the broken jaw. From there, he filled the gaping hole in Itachi’s skull with plaster of paris and sanded it to smoothness. Satisfied, he replaced Itachi’s face and began patching up the missing skin with wax. Hair was gone from the damaged area, and Naruto made a note to order lace-front wig pieces. Spiked caps were placed over death-blue eyes, once a harsh black, and shut closed. He removed the pulverized hand and replaced it with a wax one.

Naruto sewed Itachi’s mouth shut and called it a day. He’d leave the makeup and dressing to Kabuto, the weird fuck who was hired just two months prior. He was exhausted and his fucking back hurt for no reason. He couldn’t stop thinking about the food he was going to order when he got home. He was damn exhausted.

__

Naruto cranked up the heat and lit a couple sticks of incense when he got home. Tomorrow was Saturday, and he had been dreaming of this inevitable night of drinking sangria and playing _Rainbow Six Siege_ all weekend. 

He DoorDashed Ichiraku, clicking his tongue at his near-dead phone. His charger was missing. It always was. He jumped into the shower, rinsing off the stink of embalming and rubbing his sore jaw muscles under the jets. The tension of the day would not wash off his shoulders alongside the carcinogenic chemicals.

Itachi Uchiha.

Naruto would never meet him. He was a name, a coroner’s report, a short exchange of emails, a reference photo, a body, and a funeral; as far as Naruto was concerned. The man’s being would never be known to him.

His eyes had been shrewd and black as pitch in life. He had been remarkably handsome despite his wan skin and stress lines- in fact, they almost seemed to enhance his uniquely beautiful face. The picture spoke volumes. A Patek on his wrist, which was to be buried with as per his will and testament. Naruto was sick at the idea of sealing a three hundred thousand dollar piece of jewelry in a grave liner. His hair was immaculately gathered behind his back. A black turtleneck. Standing alone.

This man had been something different. Naruto did not believe in life after death, but Itachi Uchiha had an unexplainably massive presence; one that was potent enough to linger around Naruto as he hunched over the embalming table. His eyes, now a ruptured mess of hazy blue cornea, had still seemed to burn with a sight beyond his understanding. Naruto had almost shrunk under them while performing his restorations.

He couldn’t will the man out of his mind as he dressed and collected his food. He made himself comfortable at his desk and threw on his headset, eating with one hand and shuffling _To Pimp A Butterfly_ with the other. He idly pulled up the news, wincing at the political degradation he saw. At least it was distracting him.

He saw the headline then. 

He clicked it before his brain could process the words. “Financier Itachi Uchiha Dead at 38”. He knew the guy had to be someone important, but he didn’t think he would be fucking _headline important_. Holy fuck. He was going to fucking piss. 

_Financier Itachi Uchiha has died at the age of thirty eight. The globally renowned financial advisor was known for his list of high-profile clients, composed mostly of notable politicians and business moguls. He gained notoriety by securing a position as House Speaker Tsunade Senju’s key financial advisor in 2006 at the young age of twenty-four. He went on to serve as the primary financier of the U.S House of Representatives in 2008._

_Although Uchiha rarely made his affiliations public, it has been widely alleged that his clientele included a large array of highly influential people. Uchiha was the center of controversy when he was accused of having ties with former Secretary of the U.S Treasury Nagato Pein, who was exposed in 2011 to have misappropriated millions of dollars in black market dealings. The indictments against Uchiha were dropped almost immediately._

Holy shit. Naruto remembered the Pein scandal. Naruto had just started at a crematory in Carlisle, and the details of the story shook the country. The man in charge of the nation’s funds had been trafficking drugs and weapons into inner cities. The man was a sick motherfucker, and if Itachi had really managed his funds, he was just as sick.

_Uchiha graduated valedictorian from Columbia University at the age of fifteen before becoming one of the most coveted financial advisors in New York by the time he was eighteen. In his personal life, Uchiha was a polymath and pursued six additional masters degrees as well as two doctorates. He was an expert in innumerable fields: history, politics, philosophy, linguistics, neurology, psychology, chemistry, and physics among them. Uchiha was also fluent in Japanese, Chinese, Spanish, Russian, and American Sign Language._

Of course he wasn’t just rich and famous, he was a fucking Renaissance man. Valedictorian at _fifteen?_ Jesus Christ. Itachi Uchiha wasn’t just a genius, he was a fucking _anomaly._ Naruto could only imagine what it was like to live knowing practically everything.

_Uchiha was also notorious for his ability to evade publicity. Despite his affiliation with high-profile individuals, Uchiha was a private person and lived almost entirely out of the public eye._

_Doctor Sasuke Uchiha, Uchiha’s brother and only publicly documented kin, has declined to comment on the passing of his brother. Doctor Uchiha is internationally considered to be one of the best orthopedic surgeons and is highly decorated in the field of medicine. By the time he was thirty, Doctor Uchiha received both The Lasker Award and The Shaw Prize for his development of CHIDORI, a revolutionary medical implant which retains the hyaluronic acid of the joints and drastically slows the progression of osteoarthritis. His contributions to medicine have revolutionized the field of orthopedics._

_Doctor Uchiha, who travelled worldwide performing surgical theaters, is now the Chief Physician of Orthopedics at the Hospitals of the University of Pennsylvania. Doctor Uchiha has been frequently questioned about his publicly elusive brother in the past, to which he has never answered._

_Uchiha’s funeral processions will be privately held in his hometown of Konoha, Pennsylvania…_

The information sunk in. Naruto had never heard the name Uchiha, but both Itachi and Sasuke, the man who emailed him, were monsters in their fields. _Geniuses._ He could hardly believe it.

He booted up _Rainbow Six_ , sucked down the rest of the sangria, and cherried a blunt. What the fuck. He couldn’t wait to meet this Sasuke. Naruto hoped he was interesting.

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i put a lot of work into the things i write, please leave a comment and tell me what you think! ❤️
> 
> [follow me on twitter](https://twitter.com/shoutostallion)


	6. spinal fusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I was definitely one of those kids.” Naruto smiled humorlessly. “Christ, I was a little shithead.”
> 
> Sasuke traced the condensation ring his beer left behind on the paper table cloth. “Did you skip class? Pull the fire alarm?”
> 
> “Among other things.” He winced as he sipped his drink, but Sasuke assumed it wasn’t from the burn of the rum. “It was bad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ironic that i killed itachi with a car crash in this fic... girl i got into a fucking CAR CRASH today that shit was so scary... the car spun multiple times... enjoy narto story

“How was work?” 

Sasuke sighed heavily as he juiced the lime slice down the neck of his Modelo. “Fucking exhausting. I worked a twenty-six hour shift yesterday. Thank god I have a bedroom at the hospital.”

Naruto’s eyes bugged out of his skull.  _ “Twenty six hours?!” _ He mimed wiping sweat off of his forehead before taking a gulp of his Kraken. “Fuck, man. I don’t know how you do that shit. I start getting stir crazy if I’m at the home for, like, nine hours. I couldn’t handle the stress.”

The doctor scowled, feeling the after-effects of such a stressful shift in his shoulders. “Some stupid kids were going eighty in a residential and wrapped their sedan around a tree. Only one of the five died, thank God; but the rest of them weren’t far behind. They’re stable now, but they’ll never fully recover. One of them needed an amputation.”

Naruto nodded, swiping a bead of rum off his lip. He knew the horrors of tragedy all too well. This was the man who took care of the patients that didn’t end up making it, after all. “Fucking tragic. Jesus. Kids really overestimate how durable they are.”

Too fucking true. 

“I was definitely one of those kids.” Naruto smiled humorlessly. “Christ, I was a little shithead.”

Sasuke traced the condensation ring his beer left behind on the paper table cloth. “Did you skip class? Pull the fire alarm?”

“Among other things.” He winced as he sipped his Kraken, but Sasuke assumed it wasn’t from the burn of the rum. “It was bad.”

“Bad?” 

“Bad.” 

“Huh. I was probably worse.”

Naruto beamed at the challenge. “I highly doubt it.”

Sasuke wondered if that was true. 

Their waitress swung by to drop a couple greasy baskets of appetizers onto the high-top table. She was gone before she could respond to Naruto’s warm “Thanks, doll,” bolting to the next table amid the Friday dinner rush. 

Naruto dunked a mozzarella stick in marinara. “Let me win this competition before it begins.” The cheese bowed under gravity as Naruto pulled off a bite. “I was arrested twice before I was seventeen. I was doing literally every drug by the time I was sixteen.”

Sasuke nodded, chewing on this information. It was a little shocking, but Sasuke wasn’t one for strong reactions. As a rule, nothing surprised him. He had already seen it all. “Maybe you do win. The worst thing I had ever done was intentionally break a classroom window.”

“Okay. Why the fuck would you do that?”

“I don’t know.” He really didn’t. Shit.

“As good an answer as any.” He shoveled fried pickles onto an hors d’oeuvre plate before sliding the basket to Sasuke. “‘Every drug’ is an exaggeration, but it wasn’t a good time in my life. I was constantly strung out on coke and shrooms because my sense of reality was too fractured to actually deal with my shit. Fuck, there was a point where I was on so many psychedelics that I got trapped in a loop for months.”

“That’s… absolutely terrifying.”

“It was.” A visible shiver rattled the man’s shoulders. “I’d try to make food and keep going back to the fridge for the same thing ten times. Straight up couldn’t have a conversation without repeating the same exact thing over and over.”

The thought alone made Sasuke flush with secondhand dread. He would be the first to admit that he was a complete control freak, and the idea of losing oneself to a months-long bad trip made him absolutely nauseated. He couldn’t help but wonder how Naruto had gotten his shit together. 

“That’s why I refuse to try LSD,” he eventually admitted to break the silence. “I hate the idea of a bad trip.”

Naruto waved both of his hands to dismiss the notion. “Nah, don’t let my dumbass dissuade you. It’s a good time, honestly. You really learn a lot about yourself and the world around you. As long as you’re careful and go in with good intentions, you’ll have a great experience.”

“Knowing my luck, I’d probably have terrible hallucinations.”

“The idea that acid makes you see big monsters is a lie. All it really does is warp your senses and make everything funny.” He clicked his tongue as he dropped a pickle slice in honey mustard. The blonde fished it out, dousing his fingers in sauce. “We’ll trip sometime, yeah?”

“Maybe,” replied Sasuke before the paranoid part of his brain could protest. “Is that a good idea, though?” He asked frankly.

“Yeah, I’m good now.” Naruto reached over and squeezed his hand as if to say, ‘thank you for the concern.’ “My mindset has completely changed. I don’t even let myself get drunk more than four times a year. When I was a kid, though? Shit. I probably would’ve chugged Antifreeze if it would give me a buzz. Anything to escape.”

Sasuke ate a pickle. It was good, if too salty. “Bad home life?” He helped himself to another pickle.

“Orphan.” He tapped the last drops of rum onto his tongue. 

“Same, but you already knew that.”

“Word.” Naruto held out his empty glass. “To dead parents.”

Sasuke clinked the neck of his Modelo to the rim of the tumbler. “To being shitty little kids.”

“We made it through alright.” Naruto smiled at Sasuke and flicked him on the wrist. “Rasengan is actually what pulled me back from the edge.”

“Oh? how so?”

Naruto heaved a weary sigh, placing his palms against the alabaster tablecloth. Sasuke immediately anticipated that this story would not be a happy one.

The blonde began to speak. “I changed foster homes more than I changed my clothes. Nobody wanted a little bastard who was always high and fucking around at school. Eventually, they placed me with a counselor who dealt with high-risk kids. His name was Iruka- he was a great guy. Sat me down my first day with him and basically told me there was no way I’d be able to pull the wool over his eyes. He’d seen his share of trashy kids and he knew how to put me in my place.”

Naruto slid his jacket off of his arms and hung it on the back of his chair. “He got me clean. Actually gave me constructive guidance instead of ousting me from his home and letting me rot. Long story short, he died a couple years after permanently adopting me. Sarcoma in the knee.”

Sasuke frowned. Sarcoma was a tough cancer to beat. “Did they try rotationplasty?”

Naruto winced at the word. “He refused. The idea of his leg looking like that made him sicker than the idea of dying.”

The waitress delivered a fresh bottle of beer and replaced Naruto’s Kraken. The mortician threw it back like a shot. Sasuke pushed the lime into his drink, but did not take a swig.

“I relapsed pretty soon after that. His funeral was at Rasengan. The head funeral director, Jiraiya, could tell I was high at the calling hours. He literally hit me upside the head. Asked what I was doing. How I had the audacity to do that to Iruka. I was blown away at his forwardness at first- like, who the fuck are you, dude?- but it turned out he recognized me. He knew my parents. I’m apparently a spitting image of my dad.”

_ What a turn of events, _ thought Sasuke. He had been to dozens of different countries, visited every continent; but the world never failed to remind him how truly small it was. He could infer the end of this story based purely on its circumstances.  _ Damn, _ what fucking luck. If his foster father’s family had chosen another funeral home, Naruto would have surely been dead from an overdose by now.

Times like this reminded him that he was an insignificant point in the endless timeline of the universe. No matter what he experienced, another had already experienced it ten times worse. Every crazy coincidence has already occurred before him.

“Jiraiya picked up where Iruka left off. Saved me from my own stupidity. Thanks to those two, I’m a strong motherfucker.” Naruto grinned.

“I can tell.” Sasuke did not smile back, electing to sip his beer in a grin’s place. “So am I.”

Naruto raised his glass for a ‘cheers’. “To strong motherfuckers, then.”

Sasuke met Naruto’s drink with his own; the second toast of the night. “To strong motherfuckers.”

_ To someone who understands. _

__

**Author's Note:**

> what if you followed me [on twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/cyber_sasuke)
> 
> follow me on [tumblr](https://cybersasuke.tumblr.com/) and get to know me


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